Eclipse in 15 mins by Cleolinda:
Ooh oh, you want recaps? You, oh lazy reader, want a sample to see if the link is worth clicking? I assure you, swear with my hand on my Twilight book, that it is worth linking. But oh you lazy Twilight Blog reader, I hear your demands for funny lines and clickable previews.
Does it entice you to know that we get the Cullens turned into a medieval Viking story?
[EDWARD CULLEN was a fearsome sparklepire, bronze of hair and mighty of fangirls, and after many trials that could have been avoided if he hadn't been a total dick, he brought back to his beloved his favorite meadow (he has a favorite meadow), and thereupon fair Bella did recite to him the songs of her English textbook.]
How about highlighting the casting change whilst chasing Not-Vickie in the woods, clad in the latest in 2010 Old Navy and Gap apparrel?
CARLISLE: Look sharp--they've recast Victoria, so she'll be harder to spot!
JASPER: GAP AD FORMATION!
OH oh you want an entire snippet to entice you to click? So demanding! Ok fine, I give you Cleo's take on the Edward/Jacob showdown at school, whereupon we learn Jacob's internal 1950's badass character. It was revealed to us that Edward often "Jaammmesss Deeeeaanns" in his best James Dean impersonation and brooding, but what about The Dog/Jake
I know Jen is just dying to know if Peter Murphy is mentioned. Not only does he get a nod, but we get an entire Bauhaus reference.The Leader of the Pack (Vroom Vroom!)
JACOB: *marlonnnnn brandooooos*
EDWARD: *jaaaaames deaaaaaaaaaans*
JACOB: *MARLONNNNNNN BRANDOOOOOS*
EDWARD: *JAAAAAAAAAAAAMES DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS*
JACOB: SO, BELLA, HAS HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PLOT YET?
BELLA: About the what?
JACOB: You know, his family hunting Victoria, who has come back to EAT YOU.
EDWARD: I’m sorry, little boy, did you say something?om
JACOB: I don’t know, old man, did you go deaf?
[And so the Savory Beloved did cut class and mount the wererival's motorsteed, while the Tousled of Hair gazed after in deep chagrin, and sought a teacher to tell on herrrrr.]
And Jasper... oh yes, we get Jasper. I don't think I'll ever refer to this scene by any other name:
Jasper Hale's School of Strategic Badassery
JASPER: ATTENNNN-SHUN! We are here today to demonstrate to you wolf guys how best to kill newborn vampires, who, are not, in fact, helpless babies, but rather superstrong and batshit crazy. Number one! Kill them unexpectedly! Although given that everyone thinks that we're emo sparkle pussies, killing anyone might be unexpected! Number two! Do not let them hug you, because then you will go crunch! Number three! Pay attention to what I am saying, JACOB, or foreshadowing might bite you in the ass when we finally get to the action scene!
[Thrilled to finally get a scene where he doesn't have to look constipated, Jasper shows off his awesome by slamming his entire family into the dirt. The only Cullen who gets the drop on him is Alice, because she is awesome. Finishing move: sparkle smooch.]
EDWARD: Bella, why are you over here with Jacobwolf? ARE YOU STROKING HIM?
BELLA: SO JASPER I HEAR YOU HAVE A BACK STORY
JASPER: Well, ma'am, I was the youngest major
on the Starship Enterprisein the Confederate Army, but I did all mah real fightin' in the Wars of Vampire Aggression. It was a sepia-toned time; a time of all-too-short horseback-riding shots for the ladieeees; a time of voiceovers and Oscar nominees slumming it in corsets.back, do not repost.
CATALINA SANDINO MORENO: What? A girl's gotta eat.
JASPER: She wanted an army of newborn vampires (like this one), far stronger and more aggressive (like these are), so she told me that she loved me, but I was just her puppet all along. I have no idea how that might parallel the current plot, though.
Shannon, let's just say that we now get a new word via Emmett. Punchslode. Perfect. And I somehow feel she knows you and Ben and your "naming" joke.
I also have a second gift for each of you! How about the "Short recap of the Short 2nd Life of that girl who was only in Eclipse for 6 pages". In essence, wanna also read Cleolinda's thoughts and recap on Bree Tanner? Thoughts so. Let's just say that Bree's characterization of Edward as "The Redhead" throws her for a tailspin and sends us into an entire Google Image Search to see if the entire fandom has had it wrong all along when picturing the Bronze God of Edward Cullen.